Holiday Party Season

I sweat the small stuff. When entertaining, I take myself seriously, sometimes maybe a little bit too seriously.

So, in the spirit of the “Seinfeld” episode where George Costanza decides to do the opposite of what he’d normally do, I’m very satirical (at least in this instance) entering into holiday party season.

First, starve yourself for 48 hours before the party. This way, you can eat everything in sight without feeling guilty. Plus, fainting from hunger will make a dramatic entrance.

Navigating the buffet table is an art form. It’s a delicate dance requiring strategy and finesse.

Survey the battlefield; this reconnaissance is crucial for a successful mission. Before diving in, assess the layout then approach with a game plan. Decide whether you’ll go for the classics or take a risky leap into the “Why not?” territory. Remember, strategic plate real estate management is key.

Channel your inner architect by building a food skyscraper on your plate. Yes, those mashed potatoes can support an extra layer of stuffing, and why not throw on some gravy as the proverbial cherry on top?

The buffet table is like a crowded freeway. Exercise your best lane-changing skills as you swerve around slow movers and avoid those awkward “after you” exchanges.

Once completing round one, casually return for a second helping, making sure to look nonchalant loading up on more of those mini quiches you pretended to dislike.

Save room for dessert or make a preemptive dessert plate ensuring you get the best treats before they’re gone—timing is everything. Better yet, sit next to the dessert table. This ensures you have first dibs and can guard them from others.

As you balance your plate in one hand and drink in the other, marvel at your newfound circus skills. Bonus points if you manage to avoid spilling anything on yourself or others.

Ignore the social faux pas and double dip to your heart’s content. It’s flu season, so why not share the love?

Kale salad? At a holiday party? Please, leave the health kick for January. And that raw veggie platter? The only thing worse than eating uncooked broccoli is pretending to enjoy it.

And what about eggnog, that concoction part custard, part cream, with a hint of nutmeg and a whole lot of confusion about why anyone thought raw eggs in a drink was a good idea? It’s thick enough to use as mortar for your holiday gingerbread house and is best served with a generous amount of rum, whiskey, or brandy—because after the first few sips, you’ll need the distraction.

Holiday ham, the harmonious blend of overly sweet pineapple and maraschino cherries, married to the savory saltiness of pork that makes you wonder if your taste buds can file for divorce. It’s firm yet rubbery, offering the delightful resistance of chewing on a culinary tire with a sugary coating; a hypnotic swirl of pink meat, golden-brown crust, and fluorescent fruit bits that look like they’ve escaped from a 1950s food magazine.

Jell-O, that delightful blend of artificial fruit flavors tasting vaguely like something you once ate in childhood, combined with a suspiciously bouncy texture. It holds its shape yet is disturbingly jiggly, offering a unique eating experience falling somewhere between dessert and a science experiment. It’s perfect for showcasing your culinary skills in the form of layered gelatin art requiring more patience than a holiday shopping line.

Frosted sugar cookies are pure, unadulterated sweetness with a hint of vanilla, a delicate crunch, and a whole lot of artificial coloring that quickly dissolves into a sugary mush, ensuring you reach peak sugar rush in record time. Their vibrant color explosion makes you question the logic of edible glitter.

Peppermint bark’s bold blend of white chocolate’s cloying sweetness and dark chocolate’s attempt at sophistication, punctuated by crunchy shards of peppermint, make your taste buds simultaneously cheer and wince. It’s a delight that starts with a smooth, creamy surface and ends in a jaw-strengthening crunch of peppermint bits that could probably sharpen knives, ideal for when you need a festive treat that doubles as a test of dental durability, perfect for holiday parties and impromptu dentist visits.

Being a good holiday party guest means arriving fashionably late because showing up on time is for amateurs, those who actually like following rules, and those considerate of the cook’s timing. By arriving late, you ensure everyone notices your grand entrance—and all those awkward ice-breaking conversations are over.

Bring a gift requiring no explanation. A bottle of wine or a box of chocolates are universally understood. Avoid bringing fruitcake unless you want to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Wishing you joy in the kitchen, a lovely Thanksgiving, and not a tongue-in-cheek but real fabulous holiday party season filled with delicious food, drinks, and people!
Michele

Pecan Dressing
4 cups soft breadcrumbs
1 cup celery, chopped
1 cup onions, chopped
1 cup raisins
1 cup pecans, chopped
½ teaspoon table salt
½ cup whole milk, scalded
2 large eggs, beaten

1. Mix breadcrumbs, celery, onion, raisins, pecans, and salt together. Temper eggs with milk, then stir into dry mixture. Mix well.